After he left!

Somebody asked a question in a women only forum (FaceBook group) that what is love?

I saw that random question and kept reading the answers everyday. Post got 800 plus questions with several answers related to physical things in between a couple to after child’s birth etc..

I felt in deep that may be I need to answer that question too. But what will be the response? I just wondered for the coming few days and that question “what is love”? kept haunting me.

Two days back I got up in the night and wrote an answer for that question and after a while I saw 7 likes for my answers. I decided to write an elaborated post about my feelings for love.

I have no regrets to write that I fall in love after my first husband’s death.. with him.

I never found time to fall in love with him ever when he was alive. He was just a normal type of caring, loving, giving, husband for me and over pampering husband for my both kiddos. They were 7 years and 2 years old when my husband expired due to swine flue. He died a very shocking young death indeed.

I fall in love with him when doctors in Ram Manohar Lohia Hospital,Delhi gave me his blood in a plastic bag to get it checked in laboratory far away in a cold October night around 11.45 mid night. My slipper was broken so I decided to walk to the laboratory bare feet.

I fall in love with my husband when he regained consciousness from the ventilator and waved hands from inside the ICU to say “I am ok Bittu(my pet name) do not worry”. I waved him back holding my both kids hands strongly. This was my last interaction with him. Next day at 7.20 am October 24th,2009 he expired.

“Who is with Sanjay? One doctor came out from the ICU and yelled. I went with him inside the monitoring room and he told me about his last journey inside the ICU to check on my dying husband. He gave me a rob and mask to wear. He wanted me to do my last efforts too. I went in and checked. Sanjay was gone forever. I put my hand on his face, hairs and forehead. It was love at last sight for me. His eyes were still, his hairs were rough and unshaved face was cold. His hand and legs were full of needles marks. He was almost blue with blood infusion and extraction marks.

He was gone and I fall in love with him so strongly that I was not ready to give up his things to anybody. I started waking up at night to touch his things and smelling them. I used to pinch myself to check if his death is truth?

His business, his cars, his staff and his seat in office. He was everywhere. I started working from the third day of his death by remembering him every second. He was around and I was taking one step by one like he is supporting me strongly.

I was not a mourning wife or mother anymore. I was always thinking about him at every second. I included him in my chantings, my prayers and my soul for every breath. And I found a word for it. It was love forever.

I came to know one fact that when he was around my both kids face was shining like a star and when he left that twinkle was gone forever. Yup forever. So that twinkle in kids eyes for father is love actually. True love.

When I sit alone thinking about his demise and warm tears start rolling out without blinks… that is love. Warm and maddening love!

This is my definition for love. About you I have no idea if it is money based or some favors based. But for me love is all about memories of my husband.

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